The iSlate, iTablet, iPapyrus, iSlab, iTwiggy-in-Computer-Form, will have video chat. It will have a camera facing you and you will be able video chat on the go. Trust me, this will happen. I’ve been waiting for it to happen on the iPhone but AT&T forgets they’re a phone company and doesn’t have the infrastructure for it yet. But with a Wi-Fi connection the iGranite will be able to do it Star Trek style.

…is a punchline.

Even as a kid I knew that he was an untalented square whose jokes wildly swung from unfunny to perverted all while sucking celebrity dick in the most boring interviews ever; but now this punchline is turning sour. Almost evil.

He’s like one of those jokes old white people tell you. The ones that meander for a while and then at the end become incredibly racist.

Jay Leno is a long racist joke.

I mean seriously, how can he look at himself in the mirror? How can he pretend that he is a decent human being when is wrecking Conan’s career? I mean, no matter what comes out of this mud wrestling match Leno will be the only one reeking of bullshit. He has to know that. And yet he persists.

What drives Jay to obsessively work? Does he glimpse his fat naked wife in his bed wriggling her fat naked legs in between his 20,000 thread sheets and just impulsively buys a plane ticket to Phoenix to tell a joke at an Indian Casino? Is he a crying clown that craves the acceptance of old people who fall asleep during the news and leave the TV on? What compels him to work like an East Asian sex slave?

No one may ever glimpse at the wheels turning in Jay’s head but goddamn, it must look a lot like the rusty gears of capitalism churning out mediocrity and failing upwards with little remorse for the people they crush during their obsessive race to the top.

Also WTF Jay Leno was in a movie with Pat Morito?

Remember this person?

In case you don’t she got famous for this:

until this made her de-famous:

and after Affleck grew tired of saddling crazy horse she settled down with the League of Nation’s ambassador to the sea (aka The Frog King):

Anyway in order to maintain her reputation as a classy person, J-Lo (rhymes with corn hole) is now lashing out because, out of self-loathing and jealousy, the people of the world have united in denying Mrs. Lopez her obvious Oscar for the movie no one ever saw or heard of.

Yes! It’s true! the world didn’t go J-Lo’s way and we all need to work together to fix this for her right now so her dream of getting an Oscar while in a hospital bed holding her two twins k?

I mean come on guys, otherwise she’ll have to let Frog King do his thing inside her for the second time, get pregnant with another set of twins, film another movie containing an Oscar-worthy performance (pregnant retard in a concentration camp! pregnant retard in a concentration camp!) in a nine month time frame and then successfully birth the kids on Oscar night in order to check off the final item on her bucket list.

This would actually be an improvement from the current situation though because she’s had her babies too early this time and I dunno I’m just a perfection when it comes to that kind of thing.

Please grow up Jennifer Lopez, please realize that the world not your oyster but instead more like a sushi conveyer belt. Shit happens when your not around. Sometimes you’ll see a server but that usually only happens at the beginning and the end of your visit; the rest is up to you. You talking out loud to everyone around you about how much you really want an ahi tuna roll will not compel the chef make it. In fact, he’ll probably not make it just to piss you off for complaining so much. NOT EVERYONE GETS AHI TUNA. You can only choose what’s on the conveyer belt. Sometimes a plate will come around the bend and have a platinum album from Madrid on it. But most of the time it won’t. Most of the time it will have ex-boyfriends blaming you for their career meltdown.

So eat up Jennifer Lopez and make your ass fatter. And then when you drop the weight to play a pregnant retard in a concentration camp you will be rightfully rewarded your Oscar nomination; because everyone would love to see that.

So the new Dubai Tower is finally opening next week. I have to say that while I always thought the receding Palm Island was the proper monument to Dubai: a man-made creation that lasted barely a decade before disappearing, Dubai Tower might be more appropriate. Because while Palm Island will just disappear back into the sea, Dubai Tower will be stuck in the sky forever. It rises out of the ground like a gigantic middle finger from mother earth. A global “fuck you” for excessive and exploitative oil money, modern day slave labor, and complete irresponsibility towards sustainability. This is our century’s babylon. I mean look at it:

It’s a gigantic monstrosity that trumps everything around it for no fucking reason. Tell me how this compliments its surroundings. Tell me how it even makes sense in the skyline. It’s entirely a product of a gross race between companies to see who could have the biggest cock building. There is no consideration for its place or purpose. It’s like they used Vegas as a template for an entire country (but oddly Vegas is the only one with a pyramid).

Dubai is pretty much an Ayn Rand wet dream. It’s basically tax free, Haliburton once had its headquarters there, and billions and billions of oil dollars funded this rich playground. Thankfully though, the once glimmering future of Dubai is now starting to dim. It’s an experiment gone wrong and although I know no one will learn any significant lesson from this (we didn’t spend enough money!) but hopefully we can all acknowledge the symbolic relation between the Dubai tower and our index finger: when we point at things there’s always three fingers pointing back at us. No wait, that doesn’t make sense.

If Street Fighter was politics, Democrats would be the kid that knows every move and memorizes every combo and Republicans would be the button masher that wins by sheer persistence and WTFness.

I kinda feel bad for Apple and their horrible hype machine. People are now just assuming they’re going to release a Tablet machine and if they don’t announce it this year everyone’s going to be up in arms because they already put it on their Christmas wish list. What if Apple wasn’t making a tablet? Now their company is hated because people made up an imaginary gadget and demanded Apple give it to them and Apple said no. It’s like doing a rain dance and then getting angry at the Gods for delivering a drought.

But seriously Apple I do demand a hover board sometime within the next five years.